Friday, January 30, 2009

Super Bowl XLIII

Oh goodie. The Super Bowl is Sunday. I asked Mark where he was going to watch the big game. He said he was trying to decide whether to watch it at the east end of the couch or the west. We need more friends!

Time for my second annual installment of information on all things Super Bowl for the uninitiated. Or uninterested.

This year's Super Bowl is an epic battle between, um, two football teams. The game will be played in Tampa Bay. Oh yeah. It's between the Arizona Cardinals (yay) and the Pittsburgh Steelers. It's odd to me that the official Super Bowl XLIII website doesn't really mention which teams are playing. Apparently we are supposed to already know that. Duh! So I had to look it up elsewhere on the internet.

After Janet Jackson's 2004 wardrobe malfunction, the Halftime Show planners are still too freaked out to be very innovative. So Bruce Springsteen it is. In fact, come to think of it, no one with breasts has been featured since that year. Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, Prince, Tom Petty. No breasts in the bunch. So no danger of wardrobe malfunctions. If you think about it, if any of these guys had wardrobe malfunctions, there would just be a collective "eewww" from the universe. They're gonna run out of old male farts pretty soon. There will, however, be someone with breasts singing the National Anthem. It will be one of Jennifer Hudson's first appearances since her mother and brother were murdered just a few months ago. God bless her!

The best part of the Super Bowl is the commercials. Am I right? You know it's true. This year there is the first ever 3D commercial. You can pick up your 3D glasses wherever SoBe drinks are sold. This is what the crowd in my living room will look like.

If you too want to run an ad during the Super Bowl, it will cost you 3 million for a 30 second spot. That's a lot of pressure on those advertising people. Hear that Tessa? What do you have to say in 30 seconds that is worth $3 mil? This is your future.

The Super Bowl can be a dangerous pastime. And I don't just mean broken limbs or cracked skulls. Or heightened cholesterol levels. Emergency rooms report patients choking on chicken bones, backs thrown out from sudden leaps from the couch, and, most serious - urinary retention problems. I know - it's tempting to stay put through the commercials, putting off the inevitable trip to the little boys room. But unless you enjoy the catheterization experience, don't put it off. And for pete's sake, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, open your beverage of choice with your teeth.

Oh, and one last thing that will bring sighs of relief from millions. The reported shortage of buffalo wings has been greatly exaggerated. There will be wings. Hallelujah. Amen.

7 comments:

Mark said...

I MUST disagree that the best part is the commercials! Why would anyone watch a football game for the COMMERCIALS!!! You have a very prolific offense against the BEST defense! Going to be a TERRIFIC game! AND I've decided on the EAST end of the couch! ;-}

Cori said...

Oh, uncley, you make me giggle. I don't even know what time this game is, I am just assuming that at some point on Sunday, my male roomates will emerge from their respective room-caves for a brief exposure to the light. Because the TV and the food are on in the living room. When this occurs, I will know that the game is about to begin. It's sorta like an eclipse.

mberenis said...

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Shari said...

The Zimm party barn will become Superbowl Central on Sunday, I'm told. The Journey folk are setting up the big screen (I mean BIG SCREEN)and claim to have an antenna capable of bringing in the broadcast. I'm not sure what I'm cooking yet, but we're all bringing something. You're welcome to bring a recliner and join in. Or you can always carry one of ours from the house.

Is it tacky to scrapbook while the game's on?

okiesister said...

Very informative. And funny.
I had to tell my husband today who was playing.

tessa said...

The commercials ARE the best part!! Come on 1984 super bowl release of the apple computer commercial?? It's like art!!

And here at school, the super bowl is just another reason to drink on a sunday.

tessa said...

Is the superbowl on sunday?