Keep it in your pants

Merry Christmas, ho ho ho.

The world seems filled with "hos" these days, all who apparently make it a regular practice to hook up with Tiger Woods. I'm a cynic. People are rarely who you think they are, so let's not get all high and mighty when one more high-profile male can't keep it in his pants. Men are stupid. Women are too. One well know man once said "for all have sinned and fall short". Some just fall short in a more spectacular and public way, like the difference between falling off the Empire State Building and falling off a curb. The splatter (collateral damage) is more painful and spectacular when falling from a very high place.

You gotta wonder though what people are thinking. Like do you wake up one morning and say "Let's crash the President's little State Dinner honey. It'll be fun". Or "hmm, how many dead people can I stuff in my house before someone notices the stench." Or "I have eight small children, so now seems like the best time to walk away from my marriage".

Do people not have enough to do? Because my life is full. I keep pretty busy. I'm too tired to do much more than the next thing. I'm happy to keep a low profile and keep my failings off the front page of the National Enquirer. Because seriously - enquiring minds will NOT be interested in my humble life. And that's just fine with me.

Take it down a notch!

Everyone in my house is deaf. Really, only two of us are certifiable. (Shut up. I'm talking about having a hearing deficit.) My mother-in-law wears hearing aids to assist. I do not yet, but hope to someday soon. I've never had my hearing officially checked, but it's a well know fact I can't hear. I would be easily certifiable.

My twin sister has done all the work of going to have her hearing checked and buying the hearing aids. So I really don't need a doctor to tell me I can't hear. There's some weird genetic thing that caused us both to lose some of our hearing at about the same age. Genetics are interesting. Our paternal grandmother had the same problem.

But back to the epidemic of deafness in my household. Every sentence has to be repeated at least twice. Personally, I think it's more of an attention deficit than a hearing deficit. You know it's a lack of paying attention when you wait before repeating yourself while the communication slowly works its way through the fog. Then the answer. See. I knew you heard me.

Here is where if this were a blog of some substance I'd draw a parallel between our family's attention deficit epidemic and the state of the public conversations in this country. I'd point out that if everyone would stop yelling and actually listen, we might not be building these walls of fear and anger and accusations. But that's not what this blog is about, so I'll leave it to you to draw those parallels.

I'll just go back to trying to hear those around me and trying to make myself heard. For me, the key to hearing is being in close proximity - close enough where I can see the lips moving, and understanding the context. When the back is turned, or the hand is over the mouth, something obstructs my view...forget it. For me, seeing and hearing are very much interdependent. I have to see you to hear you.

Feel free to read between the lines some more and apply your conclusions to the shouting, hearing-impaired world around us. Sheesh. Everybody, simmer down!

Fun with Tornadoes

Weird when so many whom you love are in the path of one of these freakishly random tornadoes. With Angela stuck in a windowless room in an elementary school full of sweaty children, Tessa hunkered down at the university, Mark in a hallway holding babies from the daycare in his building, and me and the dogs unexpectedly at home, it gets a little crazy. Gotta love Twitter and text messages. Even when phone calls don't go through, texts usually do. No one gets anything productive done!

Like most houses in Oklahoma, ours doesn't have a basement. After having done remodeling work in the original part of the house, I'd say anywhere there would be a safe place. The old lathe and plaster walls are like cement. The contents of Tessa's closet are now flung into her room, just in case I needed to take cover. Usually we go to the local church for shelter. It has a roomy basement and opens its doors in severe weather. The trick is always whether to go or to stay. After the 5th sounding of tornado sirens I finally gave up and went to the shelter.

The place was crawling with well dressed elderly folks. Well, maybe that's not a good word. Swarming? Overrun? Apparently there was a funeral. They all started toddling en mass out the door. Walkers, wheelchairs, slow walkers, all heading out into the storm while the tornado sirens wailed. Did they not hear? Were their hearing aids turned down? Did they seriously think they could outrun the storm? Are they just that stubborn? A few decided to head down the stairs to the basement. At one point I was trying to decide if I could catapult over the slow moving crowd if things got hairy, or if I should actually pick up that tiny lady pushing her walker, toss her over my shoulder and run. Fortunately it didn't come to that.

Ah life in Oklahoma. My heroes of the day are the teachers and principals who spent hours stuffed into smelly small spaces with wiggly children. Not my idea of a good time.

A day in the life

Have you ever had problems with premature ejaculation? Hold on. Come back. Websters says one definition of the "e" word is a short sudden emotional utterance. So don't get all "this is usually a clean blog". I'm keepin' it clean. And real. The thought came to me yesterday when I was having trouble finishing a text message before accidentally hitting the send button, therefore ejaculating my message out there before it was finished. Very irritating for the recipient as well. Sorry Mom. That message that said "n" and then the next one that said "no blue f" and the next that said "ill as" all combined to mean "No, I don't have your blue folding chairs and I'll ask for that address". I need a cell phone that morphs into a standard sized keyboard then morphs back to pocket size.

Other happenings from yesterday? Went to the deli with my coworkers for a lunch meeting. This is the deli that does ALL our catering. Much big bucks we spend there. Now I'm channeling yoda for some reason. Anyway, purposely let two people go ahead of me so I could be in line next to my boss and the coworker who orders the thousands of dollars worth of catering on the off chance I'd get a free lunch. Nope. Had to pay. But when I sit down I find out ALL THREE of the others got their lunch comped. Are you freaking kidding me? Next time I'm wearing a sign that says "I'm with him". Don't they have t-shirts like that? Oh wait, that's "I'm with stupid". Well, if the t-shirt fits... Anyway, I was all you guys all owe me a couple of bucks since I was the only one who had to pay for this work lunch. Maybe that t-shirt should point to me!!! They had a good laugh at my expense and my boss said to put it on my expense report. It's only $8 but we're in a recession they say. Every dollar counts.

Oh and the other thing? My Principal sister called and suckered my into teaching Junior Achievement to a classroom full of first graders today, on my day off. All day. This should be interesting. I think I'm going to wear that t-shirt.

When Am I?

Yep, so here I am in Idabel, which is apparently the tiny little corner of Oklahoma that's not covered in ice at this moment. I'm snug in a hotel with a DingDong out of the vending machine and Bachelor on the TV. It doesn't get any better than that. Well, maybe if I was home snuggling with Mark and not worrying about how or when I'm going to get home. Or if I was on a cruise. Or a ski vacation. Or if - OK, it does get way better than this, but I'm warm and full and entertained, so no complaining.

For some reason the ABC channel here makes people sound like freaky robo guy with the machine altered voice calling with the ransom instructions. It's very distracting. And when will Nikki stop crying? And did Jason just snarf down a burger and fries and smores like it was his last meal and crawl into that tent with Perky Girl? Seriously I hope he took some Gas-X first. Perky Girl will be getting a little more of the "real" Jason than she bargained for.

Did you see that Oklahoma City is the 2nd fattest city in the USA? Marvelous. Just one more statistic to add to our dismal health stats. Surprisingly, Miami took the number one spot. So much for the South Beach diet. That's exactly why I didn't get into that diet. Well, not exactly why. It could have something to do with my love of baked goods. And my dislike of sweating.

OMG, I, like, can't stand the, like, drama on the Bachelor. He so, like, doesn't get her. She's such a, like, beyotch. I'm all, "Somebody got hit with a pugly stick". Gotta go find a tissue. l8r.